Mmmmm... Postgame Breasts

Two great advantages about watching soccer in Germany:

1) Games in South Africa are in the afternoon or evening, so drinking is socially acceptable.

2) Postgame "game shows" that are just excuses to ogle hot women in (or out of) lingerie. Tonight's hostess (via her website, www.biggi-bardot.com):



Now, that's postgame coverage!

When Procrastination Pays Off

Nothing's quite so satisfying as seeing an ex with someone else after you assumed that no contact meant all was good. No messy breakup, and everyone wins. There are 3 ways to play it:
A) Ignore the person -- Their new love probably prefers this, since we all hate faking pleasure at meeting the ex

B) Be Happy -- This is a great way to play it, since it will leave everyone wondering if you're sincere or not. What's the point of an ex if you can't fuck with their heads?

C) Be Subtly Nasty -- On the surface you're cordial, but slip in a sly comment to put doubts in the new guy/girl's head. Something like, "She's a handful -- good to see you can handle her!" This is not a good trait, but it's a nice skill to have in your pocket. After all, you never know when you might want to sabotage to set up some makeup sex.

Blessed Bounciness

While American lingerie manufacturers have focused on faux chestiness (push-up bras and other tools of sexual perjury), Euro manufacturers have apparently focused on studying motion. Specifically, maximizing the bounciness with each step taken. This is, quite frankly, fabulous.

Why the distinction, when American (white) men so adore cleavage? My only thought is that Euro women are less beaten down by society's demands of thinness (possibly because they are, in fact, thinner). American women tend to associate any bounce with a) fatness and b) sluttiness. Males, regardless of nationality? They associate it with HELL YES.

Mmmmmmm... Refreshing....

The key to translating ads is to make sure there are no unintended double entendres. Apparently, this is the original ad:

Lost in Translation

Scene: A bed. A man and a woman having a small quarrel.
Man: "What's wrong?"

Woman: "I don't want to say, it's a big thing."

Man (hiding nervousness): "No, it's ok, we should talk about it."

Woman (clearly trying to figure out how to say something hard): "Well, I ..."
(pause)
"It's yours."
(giant pause while man considers logistics of weaseling like there's no tomorrow)

Man: "You're pregnant?!?"

Woman, laughing: "No, why do you think that?"

Man: "Well, when you say 'it's yours' in English, there's an implication of what 'it' is"

Woman: "Of course not!"

(Fade to black)

Zing!

Facebook comment from an ex: don't u recognize my ankles after all these years dude?

My reply: No, because i always made you grab them.

What Not to Say When Your Ex Says, "I'm writing a book"

The following lines, however hilarious or justified you think they are, may indicate bitterness.

- "First Webster, now you Lisa Marie? Can't anyone I shared a bed with just keep quiet?"
- "So it has an unreliable narrator?"
- "I'm surprised Satan needs a ghostwriter"
- "I think, 'So, You're a Bitch" will definitely fill a niche in the market."
- "Can I be victim #4?"
- "I thought authors needed to be fully literate?"
- "You know, when you became Mrs. Canseco, you signed away your rights to your side of the story."
- "What's that? I couldn't hear you over all the LYING!"
- "Oh? Will you also leave it for your high school sweetheart?"
- "Don't you think the print industry has enough problems already?"
- "Meh."
- "Jesus, just say you need some cash and don't bullshit me."
- "Awesome! I think it's time for Jezebel to get someone understanding to retell her story."
- "Whatever, but you should know that I only lied to you about sleeping with Madonna because I was lying to myself."

Are You a F.U.P.A. Man?

Let's All Just Settle The Fuck Down

Ok, so I've been dating Ella (below, at right) for a few months. This does not mean that my parents should be announcing to their churchmates that I have a girlfriend and it DEFINITELY does not mean that my friends meeting her for the first time should show her a hilarious list of quotes about MARRIAGE. Sigh.



On the bright side, I did stick it to my friends in Settlers of Cataan.

The Head Quandary, Part 1

In addition to the normal range of personal preferences on giving head (God bless you, women with father issues!), international dating brings the issues of cultural attitudes toward the issue. Is la mademoiselle jumping straight from 1st or 2nd base to home because she doesn't like to go down, that's not how it's done in France or just because she wants to skip to the main course? Is the skin flute not her instrument or is it not in the Russian repertoire*? These are the questions facing the international dater.

Have no fear, I will report with results as they become clearer.



* It most definitely is. This is reason #1 to do whatever it takes to keep strong relations with Putin & his handpuppet, Medvedev.

Reason #13 Why I Don't Like Facebook

cuddling
Kristen X is a fan.

I don't want to know that the teenage daughter of my friends is a fan of cuddling. Not because I'm a sleazy soon-to-be-filmed-in-my-kitchen sex predator, but because if I'm drinking and her Mom says, "I wish HUSBAND X cuddled more," I'll blurt out "I didn't know the Cuddle Gene was inherited from the maternal side*." Even worse, if HUSBAND X says, "WIFE X is always wanting to cuddle -- I just want to fuck and go to sleep," I'll reply, "You might want to warn future sons-in-laws about this." AND THEY'LL THINK I'M A SEX PREDATOR. Fucking Facebook.

* It conveys the evolutionary advantage of identifying mates that are whipped** enough to keep around.
** It's a biology term. Ask this guy.