Are You a F.U.P.A. Man?

Let's All Just Settle The Fuck Down

Ok, so I've been dating Ella (below, at right) for a few months. This does not mean that my parents should be announcing to their churchmates that I have a girlfriend and it DEFINITELY does not mean that my friends meeting her for the first time should show her a hilarious list of quotes about MARRIAGE. Sigh.



On the bright side, I did stick it to my friends in Settlers of Cataan.

The Head Quandary, Part 1

In addition to the normal range of personal preferences on giving head (God bless you, women with father issues!), international dating brings the issues of cultural attitudes toward the issue. Is la mademoiselle jumping straight from 1st or 2nd base to home because she doesn't like to go down, that's not how it's done in France or just because she wants to skip to the main course? Is the skin flute not her instrument or is it not in the Russian repertoire*? These are the questions facing the international dater.

Have no fear, I will report with results as they become clearer.



* It most definitely is. This is reason #1 to do whatever it takes to keep strong relations with Putin & his handpuppet, Medvedev.

Reason #13 Why I Don't Like Facebook

cuddling
Kristen X is a fan.

I don't want to know that the teenage daughter of my friends is a fan of cuddling. Not because I'm a sleazy soon-to-be-filmed-in-my-kitchen sex predator, but because if I'm drinking and her Mom says, "I wish HUSBAND X cuddled more," I'll blurt out "I didn't know the Cuddle Gene was inherited from the maternal side*." Even worse, if HUSBAND X says, "WIFE X is always wanting to cuddle -- I just want to fuck and go to sleep," I'll reply, "You might want to warn future sons-in-laws about this." AND THEY'LL THINK I'M A SEX PREDATOR. Fucking Facebook.

* It conveys the evolutionary advantage of identifying mates that are whipped** enough to keep around.
** It's a biology term. Ask this guy.

This Is Why I Don't Sleep At Her Place

Apparently, it's good for some species of spider for the female to eat the male that thought he was going to get some. As a precaution, I always make sure the first time is at my apartment -- at least she has to deal with the cops if she decides to give in to any arachnid urges.

Let's All Celebrate!

Germany Unity Day is Friday -- let's all commemorate this wonderful day (though, admittedly not so wonderful in France or Poland)! How, you ask? By joining East and West symbolically with a (former) West German woman and (former) East German woman in a bridge-building threesome. Einheit für alles!

Woooooo, Will Ferrell!

See more Will Ferrell videos at Funny or Die

Some important, probing questions are asked (and answered!) by everyone's second favorite elf (Legolas kicks ass!).