Lindsay Lohan is turning her life around, and I am 100% behind her. The flick that will regain her the respect of the world? See for yourself:
"The 21-year-old, who previously played a pole dancer in the box-office flop I Know Who Killed Me, has reportedly agreed to "full frontal" nudity in her role as a nymphomaniac waitress in the drama."
Helllloooo, Oscar! Or Skinemax.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Italians Acting Shadily? Really, You Think?
Italians are "shocked" that some Tuscan winemakers may have been illegally blending their brunello wine with other grapes to make it more pleasing to American tastebuds. Why, exactly, are they surprised? In the last two years alone, Italian soccer teams, mozzarella makers, politicians, etc. have all been shown to be shady. They should be shocked if there wasn't shadiness.
Keep An Eye (And Maybe A Hand) On Your Penis
Apparently, there's been a huge rash of penis thieves in Kinshasa, Congo. According to Reuters, 13 suspected sorcerers have been arrested for penis theft. Apparently many times the penises aren't actually stolen, but have just been shrunk or made limp. Does this mean that Viagra and enlargement surgery are the counter spells?
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
Henchmen or Development Plans In Waiting?
After watching "Fight Club" and "X-Men 2", I'm thinking that being a "leader" is overrated. From what I've seen, it's basically a) sending men to their death and b) sending more men to their death (in myplace). Here's my official Pledge to Minions:
1. No Off-Camera Deaths -- You work too hard to be offed off-camera.
2. No Octopus-based creatures -- Let's be honest: octopi are fucked up. They have an assload of arms AND they have a fucked-up plural form.
3. No "futuristic" uniforms -- jeans, shorts, sandals, Dockers ® -- fuck it. Wear what you want, but: No ass-cheeks and no nipples.
4. Flying monkeys -- these fucking primates will do all the shit jobs. They're the new underclass.
5. Besides, we always have the people that don't look like us.
1. No Off-Camera Deaths -- You work too hard to be offed off-camera.
2. No Octopus-based creatures -- Let's be honest: octopi are fucked up. They have an assload of arms AND they have a fucked-up plural form.
3. No "futuristic" uniforms -- jeans, shorts, sandals, Dockers ® -- fuck it. Wear what you want, but: No ass-cheeks and no nipples.
4. Flying monkeys -- these fucking primates will do all the shit jobs. They're the new underclass.
5. Besides, we always have the people that don't look like us.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Is It Just Me Or...
does coming home from work at 3am make everyone feel like they should smell like smoke and/or skank?
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Nutsack Is The New Jackass
Everyone knows my love for the word "jackass". I try to use it as often as possible. However, I think it's getting a little played out. So I decided (in the shower, naturally) to start using "nutsack" in its place. Give it a whirl. I think you'll like it.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Germans Have No Sense Of Humor
At the end of my date on Tuesday, I had just gone back on my promise to "not cum in your mouth" when I looked my date in the eye and said with a huge smile, "April Fool's!" She didn't see the humor at ALL.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Social GPA, Or "You're Not Dumped, You've Got a 1.0"
I was recently told on a Friday night, "My plans fell through, you're my plan B". I thought, "Ok, but for you to be my plan B would require grade inflation." To make a 3.0 GPA at that point was great. We would have fun if we hang out, but not a lot of work or planning required. On the other hand, the woman I was dating recently plummeted from a solid 3.7 to a 1.0 or so in less than a week -- not something she'll be putting on her myspace page. To aid the rest of you in discussing your social GPAs, here's the breakdown:
4.0 (A) A committed (at least in the short term) relationship that requires a lot of time; like choice of majors, tends to be very rewarding or very disappointing. Or, it's the equivalent of an easy A in gym: physically rewarding and short-lived. No matter, this is your top social priority. If it's work, you should start shopping for heart medication and a headstone.
3.0 (B) This can be anything, from friendship to a long-term relationship to a booty call, but you're at least open to something better. 3.0 is best known as the relationship way station -- this is generally a stop on the way to a 4.0 or 2.0 (or lower). The key is to see the movement and act accordingly (people will try to convince you to "work on it" but you should go for the pre-emptive dumping".
2.0 (C) If you don't have anything better to do, this is it. As George Costanza put it, "Right in that meaty part of the curve; not showing off, not falling behind." This is where most friendships exist -- unlike college, you can't have all A's. However, one rarely admits to this: "I'll study more before the next test," "We should hang out more often," "I'll call you next week," etc. You might as well say, "I'll cram the night before the next test," "If I'm bored, I'll let you know" or "I'll call you when I'm drunk & horny."
1.0 (D) It's either too hard or you just don't want to do it. If you find yourself cleaning your house, going to lunch with coworkers, or finding any other mundane task instead of this, you've got yourself a D. It's better to drop this before grades are due and save yourself some embarassment.
0.0 (F) You want nothing to do with this person and will avoid them at all costs. In theory, it's possible to recover from this, but not likely. If you think you're getting an F, don't try to fix it, just let it go. Otherwise it's all wasted energy. Or, go down in flames. Show some initiative!
Of course, sometimes one must blow off a 4.0 to salvage a 2.0 in another course. This is understandable, but doing it too often invariably leads to lower grades than expected. Teachers don't like students skipping class, you know? Also, remember that taking a course a second time may be easier, but not socially...
4.0 (A) A committed (at least in the short term) relationship that requires a lot of time; like choice of majors, tends to be very rewarding or very disappointing. Or, it's the equivalent of an easy A in gym: physically rewarding and short-lived. No matter, this is your top social priority. If it's work, you should start shopping for heart medication and a headstone.
3.0 (B) This can be anything, from friendship to a long-term relationship to a booty call, but you're at least open to something better. 3.0 is best known as the relationship way station -- this is generally a stop on the way to a 4.0 or 2.0 (or lower). The key is to see the movement and act accordingly (people will try to convince you to "work on it" but you should go for the pre-emptive dumping".
2.0 (C) If you don't have anything better to do, this is it. As George Costanza put it, "Right in that meaty part of the curve; not showing off, not falling behind." This is where most friendships exist -- unlike college, you can't have all A's. However, one rarely admits to this: "I'll study more before the next test," "We should hang out more often," "I'll call you next week," etc. You might as well say, "I'll cram the night before the next test," "If I'm bored, I'll let you know" or "I'll call you when I'm drunk & horny."
1.0 (D) It's either too hard or you just don't want to do it. If you find yourself cleaning your house, going to lunch with coworkers, or finding any other mundane task instead of this, you've got yourself a D. It's better to drop this before grades are due and save yourself some embarassment.
0.0 (F) You want nothing to do with this person and will avoid them at all costs. In theory, it's possible to recover from this, but not likely. If you think you're getting an F, don't try to fix it, just let it go. Otherwise it's all wasted energy. Or, go down in flames. Show some initiative!
Of course, sometimes one must blow off a 4.0 to salvage a 2.0 in another course. This is understandable, but doing it too often invariably leads to lower grades than expected. Teachers don't like students skipping class, you know? Also, remember that taking a course a second time may be easier, but not socially...
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