Dump Or A Break-Up?

I got into a discussion recently about whether or not a friend of mine was dumped. This led to the larger question of what differentiates a break-up from a dumping. After much thought, here is my distinction:

I and my friends get DUMPED.
I and my friends BREAK UP with people.

There are exceptions, of course. On at least one occasion, I've been the asshole and dumped someone (it was a Y2K thing). But, in general, this is a great rule of thumb. Or middle finger, as the case may be.

That's Bush League, Audrey!

A real life Ron Burgundy. God bless YouTube.

Powerthirst -- Official Drink of JT After Dark

The only way I can get my jackass on is to grab some Powerthirst. To help sate it, more Powerthirst (warning: may contain Anna Kournikova)

Gone in 30 Seconds

Many of you know the Lakewood Landing as the neighborhood dive bar in lower Greenville. Some of you have tried to get tossed from there. As far as I know, none of you have succeeded quite so spectactularly as I did. Remember, it was my birthday and I had brought my A game.

I enter the bar, seconds ahead of Deanna & Courtney and maybe a minute ahead of CW, Schmubb, Chad and my other enablers. I see 1 seat at the bar untaken, except for a woman's feet. Below is the interchange that followed, with my commentary:

Me: Is this seat taken? Wine had dulled my normally spectacular wit

Chair Girl: Yes. Clearly, I'm going to have to carry the conversation.

You: Yes? Really, by your date? The sarcasm was dripping from my voice here

Chair Girl: Yes. She's realized that she's met her match in this debate.

Me: Is he here? At this point, I'm pretty sure her "boyfriend" is "here" in the same sense that Bigfoot is roaming the Pacific Northwest.

Chair Girl: Yes, he's in the bathroom. Clearly, she's lying.

Me: Is he really here, or just HERE? A classic "Matlock" maneuver -- try to trap her with my quick legal wit
Me: Well he doesn't really look here! AH Ha! At this point I felt it was time to up the ante...

I attempted to move her feet out of the chair for her, and Courtney walks up, her years of dealing with Chad & I having alerted her to potential obnoxious behavior.

Courtney wisely tried to intervene, but I jokingly (we knew I was joking, chair girl didn't) pushed her away, saying "I got this". Chair girl motions to the bartender, and they both tell Courtney to get me out of there. At this point Chad, CW, etc. are walking in and the doorman asks them if they're with me. They (rather naively) say yes, and so they're also tossed.

As we are walking out, I turn around and ask Chair Girl where her date was. Touché!

Not What She Was Hoping For

So, I'd been dating this woman for a while, and we hadn't seen each other for a few weeks. We finally get together at her place, and I could tell something was up -- she wasn't all over me as usual, and that had my Spider Sense going off. We start talking about work or music or some bullshit, and, out of the blue, she blurts out:

"I have a new boyfriend."

Now, the response here is key. You don't want to appear too hurt (I wasn't) or too uncaring (I was), so you must play it carefully. Knowing this, I replied:

"Good for you! Who's the lucky guy?"

To say she was taken aback would be an understatement. This is not the reply she was hoping for. She stuttered for a second, then babbled out some response along the lines of, "he's really nice, we're in love," blah blah blah.

She's lucky, though. Here were the others that flashed through my mind:

"We're not having sex tonight, are we?"
"I'm glad I didn't pay for dinner"
"I hope you don't mean me"
"Probably a smart move on your part"
"Is he using his whole ass?"
"I would like another beer, thanks!"

The Big Deal

Due to some friends being unable to shut the f-- up about me having a blog, I needed another, parents-free blog. So, shut the FUCK up! While rumors of competing blogs will dog any internet denizen, you can rest assured that this will have most of my attention until I get bored with it.